Tears of Reflection
by Take
Summary: slight shonen ai hints at the end; Part of my "Tears" series. This is a character piece on Kurama, 1st person POV. Not really angsty.


1 *Standard disclaimers*  
  
**Shonen ai hints at the very end. Sumireina and Suren belong to Lynx the Fang Fetished Feline - she just lets me play with the amazing characters she creates. Sumi shows up in my 'Child of the Grove' timeline, while Suren is just mentioned.**  
  
2  
  
3 Tears of Reflection: Alive  
  
Take (February 1999)  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I'm wandering the town all light off  
  
I don't know where I'm leaving for  
  
The muddy rain start to fall on me  
  
And I'm walking down to subway  
  
~~~~~~  
  
What would people think if they saw me now? Minamino Shuuichi, model student and perfect son, wandering aimlessly through Tokyo at this hour. I don't know how long I've been walking; maybe an hour. The rain's starting to come down; in moments I'm soaked thoroughly.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I can't see all around me  
  
Get me out of here  
  
Talk to me if someone is in this darkness  
  
~~~~~~  
  
It's dark here; the last train left at least an hour and a half ago. It's deserted too, for once. I can't sense anyone sleeping in the shadowed nooks and crannies. Surprising, actually.  
  
I wrap my arms around myself, shivering slightly; the cold has seeped into my bones, but it feels deeper, like the chill is seeping into my soul.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I'm out of my head  
  
Out of my mind  
  
Tell me where I'm what's going on, oh please  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I think I'm slowly going insane. How can the cold infect my soul? Now it feels like the darkness is moving in, calling out to the deeply buried parts of me – corrupt, evil. The shadows seem to beckon to the darker side of my person, making me feel choked and suffocated; I'm trapped. What in Inari's name is going on?  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Something is hiding me off  
  
Is this the wall of my heart  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I can't believe this; first I'm rudely awakened by a nightmare – one I have an uneasy feeling is actually a twisted memory – and now I'm getting claustrophobic. Just wonderful. I'm in no mood to deal with the inner workings of my self right now; all I want to do at the moment is go home to my nice soft bed. Maybe if I'm lucky, there'll be a hot-blooded fire demon keeping it warm for me.  
  
Okay, that sounds like a good plan; so why am I still standing here?  
  
The darkness seems to close in, intent on drawing out all my secrets. Dammit, there's a reason why I hid them behind those walls. Leave it alone!  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I have been lost so many things I've got  
  
For long time I've been searching for my way  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I lost Kurama a long time ago, back when I was still a youko in the Makai. There are just some things a body has to do to survive, like killing your softer side. Things are different now; it seems that my conscience resurfaced when I became human, and it suppressed most recollections of past sins. I found Kurama again, under all the dirt staining my soul.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I carry on, Carry on  
  
~~~~~~  
  
My colder side resurfaces now and then, usually when someone threatens my loved ones, or when I revert to youko form, which is more often, now that I'm Reikai Tantei. There's nothing like siding with the good guys to spread the word of my whereabouts. So much for a normal, quiet life, hmm?  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I'm spitting to their ugly heart  
  
To this so stood world  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I should go home before a night watchman catches me; Kaasan would be horrified if that ever happened. Listen to me; I'm pathetic. When have I ever cared what anyone thought of me? I do as I please and to Hell with the rest of the world. It was this arrogant outlook that made me so feared and respected; it was said that Youko Kurama dared anything and everything for a chance to spit in the face of the law. There was *no* way I was going to live in accordance to their hypocritical outlook; my life, my rules. Simple as that.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Every day I forbear to fall the tears  
  
Don't wanna be down  
  
Every night hurt is so deep in my heart  
  
Is this my life  
  
Oh! Show me please  
  
~~~~~~  
  
A tired sigh escapes my lips as I wearily run my fingers through my hair. It's late, I'm cold, a long way from home, and I just can't find the energy to keep my mask in place. Kuronue once told me, 'what you cannot change, accept'.  
  
It feels good to leave off the façade I wear for others' sake; I'm alone, so who's going to know? Gone is the inhumanly calm and collected human- youko; in its place is Kurama. Just Kurama, nothing more. Yuusuke-tachi wouldn't recognize me now, I think. Nobody's ever seen me this vulnerable – at least, not in this lifetime.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
The wall close to me  
  
It's so painful. Stop it!  
  
Is there someone to help me  
  
Please get me out here  
  
Oh! Get me out!  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I still feel cold, though I've started to dry off. I'm shaking! The shudders racking my body are too great for me to suppress; the chill of the walls surrounding my soul is not physical. I'd like to be warm – I *want* to be warm again…but I can't do it alone…I need help, and soon. The cold is becoming painful – I'm losing Kurama again.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Dead or alive, No place to run  
  
Get it settled once and for all  
  
Dead or alive, Can't live in the past  
  
Only one way to live.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Sins of the past catching up to me…I'm going to have to settle my problems sooner or later; better to do it now, when this body is young and fast. It's not like I've got a place to run to anyway – I'm going to be human for a while – I hope – and I'm going to have to live in the Ningenkai, so I'm stuck. Shimatta. I feel like a cornered fox – Hell, I *am* a cornered fox!  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Give my heart finishing blow  
  
If I could only turn my back  
  
Let me do screaming high  
  
Squeeze the throes of death from me  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I hate this trapped feeling; it makes me want to run screaming off a cliff. Is that why I feel so stifled? I'm out of options and my subconscious doesn't like it, apparently. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide…sort of like my first death.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
It comes here the blame I'd done before  
  
Fall on me as if it grow in my brain  
  
The ugly side of myself tears me up  
  
All this time I can't go back  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Fine. If my subconscious is bent on playing mind games tonight, we'll play. I close my eyes and focus inward, intent on digging up the worst memories I can find. I never knew I was such a masochist…  
  
My stomach churns as I relive things I've done. Sumireina and Suren - laughing twins of water and fire…Suren's accidental death at my hands as I tried to protect Sumi. Yomi's admittedly handsome face, twisted agony and betrayal as he lost his eyes…the list goes on and on.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Give my finishing blow  
  
If I couldn't run from the past  
  
Let me do screaming high  
  
Disclose feeling inside of me  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I come to the most painful memory of all; Kuronue's death. I force myself to keep watching, watching this scene which replays itself at night in my tortured dreams.  
  
I'd seen killings before, had killed before. But not like that…not like what was done to him…the fountains of blood that gushed from the bamboo pikes, bathing everything in the clearing a slick red. Cobalt eyes that burned into mine, pushing me out of the clearing by sheer strength of will alone, even as his body failed him. His screams…they still echo in my mind, long after they stopped ringing in my ears, just like his image will be forever burned into my retinas…my last glimpse of him.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Dead or alive, Can't live in the past  
  
Only one way to live  
  
~~~~~~  
  
More than anything, he wanted me to live; his death wish. And I did…I did. He loved me enough to want me to live, and I…I loved him enough to live for him, though losing Kuronue was the hardest thing I'd ever been through. My best friend…dead.  
  
"What you cannot change, accept." Kuronue's words float up from the pool of my memory, and for once, I find a calm serenity when I think of my dead partner.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
The fight is over  
  
The mad rain had gone past over me  
  
Blood is flowing down  
  
Tear is flowing down  
  
Now I'm alive and I'm walking to the town again  
  
~~~~~~  
  
The rain's stopped; I can go home now. I feel better than I have in years - I'm glad that I finally faced my past, I have to admit. I've finally accepted everything. Blood, tears, sweat; they mingle to paint the picture of my life…and for the first time, I truly appreciate the fact that I'm alive. I think I'll go home now; morning's coming soon and I don't want to worry 'kaasan. Besides, Hiei might be waiting for me. I hope so.  
  
~Owari~ 


End file.
